Behold, the bowl of offensiveness, ruined in its prime by the evil ruiner of antiques, Elaine. She must be stopped! She must educate herself and stop her evil deeds! Only a kind well meaning person can help and she sends an email to the villainess demanding she cease and desist.
So, this is how she did it. I get a message something like this:
You have destroyed so many beautiful antiques with your nonsense paint fabric and other cheap things. Stop it! Then you may actually sell something.
I know I should ignore and delete, but I am a ruiner after all, so I reply with sarcasm:
Nothing I enjoy more than browsing in a shop, then sending the owner a nasty message, because I know everything and they know nothing.
2 days, no response, until....
There was nothing unkind in my note. I would be a buyer myself if the items were not devalued by paint fabric etc. check with other dealers if you take my comments not to be constructive.
Good Elaine says, just delete it.
Uh, oh, evil ruiner has taken over and forces me to reply:
You are mean. Insulting. Condescending. Read your hateful note one more time and tell me how it is helpful. Nonsense paint and fabric? Cheap things? Stop it!? Go away.
Then she comes back with
Talk to antique people. Get educated. Then your business may improve!
I am really sad that I only replied with Go away again. Now I can't write my smart ass story that I just concocted, so will just have to write it here, where sadly she will never see it, but maybe somewhere in the future, the good reply that I wish I had written...
Ah, my dear friend, the pompous windbag! How kind of you to return and regale me with more unsolicited and unwanted advice on how to do the job I have been doing for 40 years. I am but a humble peasant, purchasing old wares for a small amount of money and selling them for a larger amount of money. I so stupidly thought that since it is more, as in greater than, that it meant more value. I have been corrected. More is actually less, at least that is what you tell me. And all those customers, who like a little color in their home decor, why they are wrong as well. BROWN! All you get is brown, and you had better start liking it. Because she has spoken and none shall argue. Talk to antique people? I am an antique people. I talk to other antique people ALL the time. They know what I do and they don't care because I pay for the merchandise they are selling and they are kind and decent people. Oh, and also, the tin cocoa can that Grandpa stored his nails in is not an ancient relic deserving space in a museum. It is just an old can and if I want to sew calico around it, I can. The bowl in question? About 110 years old or so, but mass-produced, factory made, 1000s just like it, not a handmade rarity, so I can damn well paint that too.
P.S. What on earth can you have against calico? What has it ever done to you?
Thank you for listening.
